Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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