I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Sober January is a disaster.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
