My room smells like vodka and shame
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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