I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
