I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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