we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She just used a chaser for red wine.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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