Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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