Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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