am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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