I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
