I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
