3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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