She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
