dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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