Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
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We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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