Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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