I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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