btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
