and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
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please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
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Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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