I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
