Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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