We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
