Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
