At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
