I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
