I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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