Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
