Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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