Need sex. Gaining weight.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
