I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
