Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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