Moan for me like Helen Keller
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
