i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
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He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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