I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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