Having a random hookup so left but love u
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
