Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
