I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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