so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
