Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Randomize
