I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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