she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
