While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
