**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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