I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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