Can i not drive my cunt home
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
