I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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