Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
