Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
