If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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