so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
