; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
