You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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