I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Your shirt... Was in my pants
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
