My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
