is your mom at the bar?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
