I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Randomize
