Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
