Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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